Mar. 29, 2019

TITLE: I was SO wrong!

I KNEW there was something funny about that soup at the Hobbit "Magic Mushroom" costume party I attended last week. So dizzy... So many colors and swirly-thingies. Fell asleep in a bedroom with Fox News playing on the TV and Rush Limbaugh on the radio. When I awoke, everything had changed -- for the BETTER!

For starters, how can our incredible president do his job with all these liars and criminals around him? It's a tragedy that such a good man who only wanted to give a few people a chance to serve this nation was targeted by all these crooks and con men! So UNFAIR!

On that subject, everyone has been saying that Trump's behavior is the NEW NORMAL. When you look at things that way, doesn't that then mean that OBAMA'S behavior as president should now be viewed as ABNORMAL? Not a single crony to have admitted crimes or been sent to prison (the new normal is FIVE... and counting). Not a single affair. Not a single porn star paid off. Furthermore, In this country you're not allowed to cast multiple votes for the same person. Well, it turns out that MILLIONS of commie lefties voted for Obama TWICE! In 2004 and 2008! That's electoral FRAUD, people! INVESTIGATE OBAMA NOW!

And the success envy of the left is so glaringly obvious to me now. Lefties are always bragging about this tech guru or that biotech CEO darling who made millions by the time they were barely out of college. Yet they refuse to credit our financial genius president for being a MULTIMILLIONAIRE by the time he was just TWO YEARS OLD! Typical leftie double standard!

I see now that the left only wanted to take back the House (by a mere 40+ seats) so that they could investigate and harass their political foes. That's why WE need to make sure we take back the House in 2020 so that we can start hearings and prosecute EVERY SINGLE ONE of them!

As president, Trump has the pardon power which allows him to exonerate people with the stroke of a smartphone, right? Honestly, would it really be so terribly difficult to just go right ahead and also make that a sort of "reverse pardon" so that he could put anyone in jail at anytime, for any reason at all? When you think about it, it's really pretty much the SAME THING!

That the left is almost comically naive about what it takes to make changes in gun laws. It takes YEARS of painstaking study, debate, and legislation to change something so central to any society. And the fact that New Zealand announced a near-total ban of assault rifles in just ten days is... uh... NEXT TOPIC!

Regarding so-called climate change, it's so clear now that the left has got it complete wrong about renewable energy. Don't they realize the SUN is the ultimate non-renewable resource? Just how much do they think we can continue to suck out of it before we damage it FOREVER? Besides, it's always smarter to stick with the way we've done things for millennia. Change is for suckers and VERY SCARY!

And I'm now totally against affirmative action for minority student applicants in the educational system. If they want to get into a good school, there's nothing stopping them from doing what successful white families have done for generations: hire a couple SAT tutors, enroll in elite test prep courses and, if all that fails, simply incentivize a coach or college administrator!

Those of us on the right have done an excellent job of securing voting for ACTUAL American citizens (not the three million illegal aliens who voted for Hillary in the 2016 election). Now we've got this problem with all these WOMEN who seem to be popping off all of a sudden, full of "opinions" on every subject except how to launder a shirt or make a pie. This has gone too far for too long. There must be a way to again secure the integrity of the voting process for people who KNOW what they're talking about. Perhaps some sort of sports-related quiz? Or maybe send out flyers on election day suggesting that there are mice or other vermin infesting polling places? We need to get on this RIGHT NOW before it's TOO LATE!

And I'm now completely against socialism. I'm not of age yet, but as soon as I start getting my Social Security and Medicare, I'll have the time to take public transportation down to some meetings at community halls where we can start a mass movement to get rid of everything socialistic about this country ONCE AND FOR ALL!

April Fools!

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Many of Charles Caratti's stories, articles, and essays have been published nationally. In the fall his work will be included in the textbook "America Now" published by Bedford/St. Martin's/Macmillan Learning. Contact him at charlescarr.com. Be nice.