Mar. 30, 2018

TITLE: Haha! I was a RIGHTIE all along!

Peering hazily through my broken windshield as the powdery alkaline silicate from my air bag's explosive charge slowly settled around me, everything became clear. Inches from me, on the car that pulled ahead of me, was a bumper sticker that read "Make American Great Again." Where had I heard that before? Great... AGAIN? Ohhh. And I suddenly realized my only path forward would be as a conservative warrior defending my imperiled nation.

At that moment I understood what was going on with those workers who were washing my car a couple weeks earlier. The way they looked at me; talked to me. That's not the way things used to be. Certain people used to be able to count on a modicum of respect from certain other people. And certain other genders. I mean, what happened to respect? They acted like I should be grateful to THEM. No, they should be grateful to ME. I'll tell you one thing: I will NOT be made to feel unwelcome in my own country by people who historically have no right to be here. How would THEY feel if we went into THEIR countries, pulled out a few million and started treating THEM like... uh...

Anyway, now that I'm a conservative, I realize I'm right to suspect everyone all the time because pretty much everyone in the non-privileged classes are always trying to pull something.

Take the last thousand or so White House leaks. What we're seeing is clearly the work of traitors who should be flogged on TV in the Rose Garden by the president himself. Hmm... now that I think of it, isn't it interesting that Chief of Staff John Kelly is acting the most outraged about all the leaks? That's just what a leaker would do; squawk the loudest to distract attention from their odious crimes. Sort of political "He who smelt it dwelt it." Obviously we need to consider waterboarding all prospective White House employees as part of the 'Getting to Know You" orientation process.

And now I know that the left is completely wrong about the rich and powerful. The one-percenters are just normal everyday people who only happen to make thousands of times a year what the average American earns -- or were lucky enough to have inherited it and have every right to hang onto every cent by any means necessary. These people care deeply about we lottery-of-life losers and want each of us to know we can one day be rich like them. After all, there's more than enough on this planet for everyone to have everything. And more.

And it's now so clear to me that our glorious leader is the target of a massive conspiracy. Think about it: It's mathematically impossible for ANYone to screw up this much. And yet, behold... even with all this treachery against him, our genius president effortlessly dances around his feckless enemies. One day he says one thing, another the next; seeming to go off on unhinged rants and raves. It's all part of the Big Bag of Trump Tricks! America is so fortunate to have a man like our president at a time when one thing after another in the world seems to be falling apart right before our eyes. It's almost like some greater power sent us exactly the man a reality TV-obsessed America deserves.

In conclusion, I now realize with dawning horror that we conservatives are rapidly disappearing from America's political landscape. In fact, there's almost none of us left. We're down to Fox News, Breitbart, InfoWars, and pretty much every radio talk show in the nation. And that giant red clot across the heart of American Midwest. And South. And North. And Alaska. And, you know, just our majorities in the House, Senate, and Supreme Court. We're barely hanging on by our fingernails, people.

Which is why we conservatives need much larger majorities to get around the DemocRATs and their witchy ways. Ideally, we're going to need 100% of the House and Senate and all nine justices on the Supreme Court to get anything done. Even then it might be tricky. After all, except for rescuing the country from the Great Recession, saving the U.S. auto industry, passing the Affordable Care Act, combating climate change, normalizing U.S.-Cuba relations, passing the Iran nuclear deal, legalizing same-sex marriage, ending the war in Iraq, drawing down in Afghanistan, ordering the capture and killing of Osama Bin Laden, signing DACA, passing the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform Act, repealing the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, and combating pay discrimination against women, Obama and the DemocRATs accomplished essentially nothing in eight years.

So, goodbye forever all you lefties. Fooled you at all those hippie rallies! BAM! Haha, I never inhaled! Hey, do America a big favor and hand this column to one of my awesome new conservative brothers and sisters.

If possible, do it this coming Sunday. April 1.


Multiple award-winning author Charles Carr has written thousands of columns and articles for many of So Cal's most well-known publications. Carr is also a noted playwright with his next show in pre-production at San Diego's Balboa Park. More info at