Southpaw... a leftie living in a rightie world
by Charles Carr

Nov. 03, 2017

TITLE: Future Trump

I'm pretty sure this is EXACTLY what is going to happen about a year from now:

"October 21, 2018. FBI headquarters, Washington, D.C. room 2214. This is Justice Department special counsel Robert Mueller with agents Stein and Russo interviewing US president Donald Trump."

"Mr. President. Thank you for agreeing to meet with us."

"Hey, don't thank me. Thank Harvey Weinstein. He made me do it. I can tell you, I wouldn't be here if Sessions hadn't recused himself last year."

"Did you mean to say Rosenstein, sir? Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, not Harvey Weinstein, the discredited Hollywood mogul?"

"That's what you say. I love the Jews. And the Jews love ME. The Jews are like the blacks but they don't go for Jesus like the evangelicals, or the Muslims, who aren't really anything. The important thing is they all love me."

"To be frank, sir, in the past year your approval ratings have dropped precipitously. In fact, according to the latest polls, your support has collapsed to pretty much the conservative readership of two or three small newspapers located in Southern California."

"Millions and millions of good people. They get it."

"Uh huh. Okay, Mr. President. Let's move on. We want to ask you about this picture. Can you identify this person?"

"Looks vaguely familiar. But I've met a lotta people -- or should I say a lot of people are lucky enough to have met me."

"Please take another look, sir. This man is closely connected not only to your administration but to you personally."

(looks more intently) "I have to say he does not ring a bell."

"Sir, this man masterminded your campaign's social media operation. And you personally put him in charge of reforming the entire veterans and criminal justice systems, not to mention negotiating peace in the Middle East, solving America's opioid epidemic, and overseeing diplomatic ties with Mexico and China."

"Uhhh... still no bells."

"Our investigation has determined beyond possible doubt that this man is closely tied to the Russian operatives who infiltrated the 2016 presidential election. Former administration advisor George Papadopoulos's body wire recorded you and Kushner over a dozen times describing many of these meetings and contacts."

(a look of incomprehension)

Mr. President, this is a picture of Jared Kushner."

(still no reaction)

"... your son-in-law? Married to your daughter, Ivanka?"

"Rings maybe a tiny, tiny bell."

"Sir, we've found over 42 thousand pictures of you with Mr. Kushner, including several of you recently with his children -- your grandchildren -- at the Washington Zoo. Here you are getting into a fight with several goat-like animals you perceived were attempting to steal the egg salad sandwich you brought for lunch."

"Gnus. Fake gnus. I've only met this person a few times. In any case, all those things you just said were strictly volunteer positions. He was never an insider. Hey, why aren't you guys going after President Hillary for selling our entire nuclear arsenal to Russia?"

"Sir, that was debunked several months ago. Even the president of Fox News admitted on air it was their most disgraceful attempt yet to confuse the public and personally whipped Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson on live television then took them out on Fifth Avenue and shot them with paintball guns filled with human tears, then fired them again. Then shot them again. Also, Hillary Clinton was never president of the United States."

"Like you would know."

"Mr. President, have you ever heard the expression 'Politicians campaign in poetry but govern in prose?' "

"Well, sure. I wrote that expression. I invented that."

"Well, sir, to describe your administration, they will have to change the word 'prose' to 'crayon.' (Mueller stands) Hey, you know what? We're just going to skip about 50 steps and arrest you right here. Particularly since Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan were kind enough to share an Uber and come over here and demand it."

"But... but I have so much left I wanted to do! Like finding out who the Unknown Soldier is one and for all, and having the EPA figure out why the phone rings when your butt hits the toilet seat, and Secretary of the Interior Zinke has barely begun dynamiting Washington and Jefferson's faces off Mt. Rushmore to make the required space... "

"Mr. President, you get one phone call. Who would you like to call? The Attorney General, one of your 14 personal lawyers?"

"No, call Jared! That boy's a genius! He's had a hand in everything that's happened in my administration!"

"We're beginning to think that may be true, Mr. President."

(the president is led out, raving)

"Jared! JARED! JAR... !"

"Justice Department special counsel Robert Mueller ending recording." (sigh) "On -- if I may make a personal note -- the saddest day of my entire life." (click)

-------

Thanks for checking in. Next time: a little support for fellow Southpaws bracing for Thanksgiving dinner with that very special -- and irritating -- family member!

----------------

Multiple award-winning author Charles Carr has written thousands of columns and articles for The San Diego Union-Tribune, The Orange County Register, The Reader, The Californian, Parent Magazine, and many others. He is also an noted playwright whose productions have been attended by thousands. Contact him at charlescarr.com.